Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
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Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?