*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
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Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
two people or more is called a problem
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
repaired
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches