Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
You Might Also Like
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
*skinny dips into black hole
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
6. me as a lawyer
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”