Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.