Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?