It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*