Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
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I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos