Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase