Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!