[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Cheer up.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂