“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
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When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”