Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
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*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm