Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
You Might Also Like
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
“HELP WITH CAT”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]