“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
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I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.