(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
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*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right