What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.