My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
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[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
o shit
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)