exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
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Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor: