“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Just ordered me some pizza!
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
me 2 months after i graduated
I hope this email finds you in a well
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”