“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
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Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.