My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
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Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”