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Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?