Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
🤣could you imagine
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.