Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.