If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven