Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
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[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option