*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.