There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
twitter is a journey
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?