April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
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*watches the world burn*
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
our love story in four pictures
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Lmao
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving