My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
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Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs