The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
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me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me: