my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
wtf is a larm clock?
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???