Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
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Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
When you kidnap a writer.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*