Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
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boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.