I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me