Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
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I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
#SCOTUS one-star review
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Shower sex be like:
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it