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My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?