Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
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Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.