He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
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“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.