Yup.
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Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.