[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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dude it’s called proctologist
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.