Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
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her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?