Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
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PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return