Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
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All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((