Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
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me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My dad.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.