I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
The Joker was right
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.