Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
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13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
True
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Awwwww shit.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT