Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
You Might Also Like
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you