I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
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Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.