Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
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Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.